Writing

"You should be a writer."
"You should always write."
"You have a real way with words."

Three comments that I've recently had about things that I've written. And I can't tell you how much they've boosted me. I think I still feel so broken after the encephalitis 'acquired brain injury' (AKA brain damage - which is how I think of it) that I wonder if I'm capable of anything that I was before I had it. But this. These comments. They have come from people who matter to me. People who 'get' me and people who have seen my darkest moments. They perhaps don't realise how 'big' these comments are, or how much impact they have on me, but they give me a sense of being that I feel I've lost since the encephalitis.

For anyone who's not been through an acquired brain injury (and believe me, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) it's impossible to fathom the changes that I've gone through and there isn't a day go by when this doesn't hit me at some point. Every day something reminds me of my acquired incapacity for words or 'new' learning; and as someone who was quietly proud of her intelligence, I feel like this newly found incapacity is the one thing that has questioned my whole being.

And so, in conversation I sometimes feel like I'm lost. What I'm told quickly goes 'in one ear and out the other' and I find myself frustrated at my own incapacity. And I repeat; this has made me question my value; my one strength is permanently damaged. I have large portions of my brain that have been destroyed by encephalitis; and some might say that I'm finding new ways of being, which is true, but even these remind me of my acquired incapacity. I have an ENGLISH DEGREE FROM CAMBRIDGE (yes, I'm going to brag because they wouldn't let me back in now, I promise you), yet I can't remember the names of characters in fairy tales without digging deep and mentally (sometimes physically) sorting their names to their tale. And that's just in the beginning because in 'adult' literature, I can follow the story (just about) but I still struggle to find the names of the characters, and I can't recall these easily. I know that my visual memory is stronger than my auditory memory and it helps enormously to be able to 'see in my head' the image of the word I'm trying to remember but it's so frustrating.

But. To come away from the negative. And I'm sorry; it always reverts to that before I can get to the positive. But, the positive. The positive is that what I struggle with on a daily basis in terms of auditory and echoic (sound based) learning, I seem to be able to bypass when I start writing and start applying  . Yes, it takes a bit longer. But I can write 5000 words in several hours, and within this I can express myself beautifully; I can hear the voice I wish I had; I know what I'm saying and I can 'say it' eloquently; I guess this is helped because if I'm searching for a word, I have the time and resources to find it practically as well as in my memory (because I know those words were once there, I just can't always find them under pressure anymore). And my writers voice is one of an adult, not the 'lost child' that I often revert to when I'm talking. Orally, I'm not sure this translates anymore; I constantly worry about repeating myself and not making sense due to the jumble in my head (I can literally see words bobbing around in my brain at times) but when I write, I can say what I want to say and I can say it with the voice of someone who's 'with it' and eloquent rather than someone who is confused and has forgotten their chain of thought, which is something that I'm terrified of when talking.

I've been told on numerous occasions in the past that I should write my story; usually from people whose opinion and thoughts matter so much to me. But. Even so, I've dismissed this. I've laughed at their suggestions and thought "Nah, that's not going to happen, no one would want to read it" - but the people who have suggested this to me post-encephalitis have given me back my confidence in a skill that's always been important to me. And so, I don't know if I'll ever write my story in full, but the value that these comments offer to me is indescribable and makes me wonder if I haven't fully lost my strengths; even when my emotions (and brain damage) are telling me the opposite. So "you should be a writer" comments now makes me feel empowered; like I haven't lost *all* of the Hannah strengths I once had. They give me hope for the future; they make me excited about the possibilities for bringing this strength to the fore when I'm struggling with every-day brain capacity and wondering if I've got it in me to carry on teaching and the other things that I once did. It's a strength, it's one that I'm quietly proud of and I wonder if it's maybe part of my new identity post-encephalitis that I haven't fully acknowledged yet.