A slow realisation

There is something  that's been in the back of my mind for a little while now. It's something that has taken a long time to admit. Heck. Not a long time. A life time. Well, all but 3 years of my life.

I have realised that I can't practise ballet any more. That, despite my love for it, it doesn't love me. By which, I don't mean the performances that I've been to see don't love me. The performances bring me to life - I love them and can talk about them knowledgeably and passionately and reflect on what I've seen in an awestruck way. When I watch ballet I am transported, in the way that people are when they watch films. I am mesmerized by what I can see on stage and am amazed by what the dancers are capable of. I appreciate ballet performances - I am in awe of ballet dancers - I love the whole discipline. But that's where I have to stop and focus on that one word: discipline. Many people would argue that ballet isn't a discipline; it's an art form; it's a form of dance; it's a performance. But for me ballet has always been a discipline.

Rewind to the start. Ok, not quite the start but back to when I was just 3. Maybe 2 and a half. When I went to my first ballet lesson. Now the thing about me is that I've always been paranoid about doing anything wrong - even from this age I was terrified of being told off or perceived to have been doing something "bad". And that's where this begins. From my very first ballet lesson I remember being told not to let my "naughty tummy pop out". Now, as a mummy to a 3 year old daughter who is incredibly petite, I can't imagine saying that to her. If I was being super critical I would say she does let her tummy "pop out" - especially if she's just eaten a meal or she's trying to show me what's in it from earlier. Heck, sometimes it's just the way she's standing - but isn't that a human thing? But as a 3 year old I remember feeling as if I'd been told off for having a sticky out tummy. And from that moment, it's been something that has stuck in my head and pestered my body image in a negative way to the present day.

My fear of my tummy "popping out" has permeated my life, but as I grew up with ballet, I realise now (and only recently) that this has compounded my body image issues. There have been numerous times in my life where anorexia has stopped me from continuing with ballet and it's been something that I've hated. I've desperately wanted to go back to ballet, but I've not been in the place to do this. I've dreamed of putting my leotard on, slipping my feet into my pointe shoes; "being" a ballerina. Before (or perhaps during) my worst adult relapse in 2011, I even was beginning to take classes that would enable me to train as a ballet teacher - but the thing is, and what I've realised now, is this has all been part of my problem. Ballet forces me to focus on my body in a negative way. And I've realised this because I follow some amazing Royal Ballet and Birmingham Royal Ballet dancers on Instagram and I guess by doing this, I have realised that their relationship with ballet is so much healthier than mine ever has been. They talk about their excitement at performing their art form; about fuelling their body (eating way more than you'd expect a petite build dancer to eat) in the right way; about how dancing brings them a sense of purpose and direction. They love it and it loves them. They don't hate their bodies, they respect them and they look after them so that they are capable of the best they are able to do. And that is where we differ. Because that is something that I have never been capable of. My love of watching ballet somehow translates to a hatred of my inability to be "good enough" (in any sense of the words) when I'm actually practicing it.

Thus, what I have realised is the antithesis to this. And that is swimming. I went to the pool with my mum and India today and apart from a tiny bit of body anxiety when I was putting my swimsuit on, actually this dissipated as soon as I got in the water. Despite wearing a swimsuit, which barely differs from a ballet leotard, instead of worrying that my body didn't 'look right', I just got into the pool and focused on the experience of being in the water and what I was capable of as a result. I didn't think about my body. I didn't really think about anything other than enjoying the water. Some people may find the prospect of getting into a swimsuit overwhelming - I get that; heck, I totally get that as it's how I feel/have felt every single time I've put on a leotard. But, for me, once I'm in the pool, it's not about what my body looks like, it's about what I'm confidently capable of. I can swim lengths and lengths. I can do a range of strokes. I can swim underwater and behave like a dolphin if the moment takes me there (thank you India!) And the thing is, not once do I think about my body - I'm not worried about my tummy, or my thighs, or whether my arms look graceful (and thin.) No, I just love being in the water and I can enjoy the moment. Maybe I should have been born a mermaid, my connection with swimming and the water is so intrinsic. I love it. And what's more, I love taking India; I love seeing her confidence grow; I love seeing how she copies me when I put my head under the water. I can, for once, see myself being a positive role model to her - I love swimming so she loves swimming. And more importantly, it's good for both of us. I swell with pride when I see my three year old doing somersaults in the deep water. I look at her and I want her to love her body for what it's capable of, not what it looks like or how 'perfect' or 'extreme' her movements can be. I want her to see what I see - which is a little girl with the capacity for amazingness, not a little girl who instantly reverts to self-criticism or hatred.

I was 3 when I learned to criticise my body. I am 37 and I feel like I've only just realised the genesis of this. Ok, accepting this and realising that this means I am acceptant of the fact that this means I need to alter my experience of ballet. And for me, this means accepting that practicing ballet, "doing" ballet or going to ballet classes (even those for fun/adults) is out of the question if I want to find a way to have the most healthy relationship with my body. I get it; I know that it's never going to be perfect, but if swimming can give me the capacity to view my body in a different way - one that values what it's capable of and not one that is constantly perfectionistically critical of it, then it's got to be a positive step in the right direction. Things are never going to be perfect as far as my relationship with my body is concerned, but swimming is that one thing where I've always valued what I'm capable of rather than what I look like or feel like. And it's not about leaving ballet behind, it's about changing my perspective and experience. I can be an avid ballet fan and love going to see the ballet, which is something I can experience without the constant self-criticism, whilst I watch the amazing artwork that the dancers bring to life with both body and soul.