Body Image
It's a weird one - body image - it's something that I don't think I should write about, or discuss. After all I have been through, and all the support that I've had, surely by now I should be able to challenge my inner critic and stop listening to my negativity. And yet. And yet I can't.
How do you take a step back from an inner critic that is so embedded and has been a part of you for so long? It's strange because recently I found a picture of me at the age of 7 on holiday - I think in Majorca. I had chosen (and bartered for) the dress I was wearing as I'd fallen in love with it at the market. I was desperate to wear it and I felt like a princess when I put it on. But. Despite this, when I look back to my childhood, I remember from a very young age being very aware of my body, so perhaps it shouldn't have come as such a surprise that it became my (negative) fixation.
Ballet at three; I remember being told to 'pull your tummy in' - and from that moment onwards, I remember thinking that sucking in your tummy was what was good. Working with children now, and having had some experience of supporting ballet lessons for young girls, I'm so determined to not perpetuate this mantra - even though I loved ballet, it became one of the things that I feared - being told off for letting my tummy pop out. And since then, I think I've had an absolute fear of having anything but an inverted stomach (maybe that will give you a little insight into how challenging I found pregnancy.) Imagine; If I was three and I remember that, my number one fear is that, at three, India picks up on that. At the moment she is so confident in her own body - so comfortable and at one with herself. And I want that to last a lifetime.
I was always described as petite and even 'skinny' - I was always one of the smallest in my class throughout primary school, and when I got to secondary school by the time I was in sixth form I think I was the shortest girl in the year (I am 5'3" but I grew up in a place where the average height seemed to be somewhere between 5'6" and 5'8"!) - and I think that label had stuck to me in a really negative way from a very young age. I think I knew that I was never going to be tall, and so I took a strange pride in being the 'littlest'. But there are some challenges to this that I still remember as if they were yesterday: Like going to get my secondary school sports uniform from the school uniform shop in town. I think most of my uniform had come from Marks and Spencer or BHS, but the uniform shop was the only place that did the PE kit. I vividly remember standing in the middle of the shop floor with a range of grey PE skirts picked up and trying to work out which one I needed. Interestingly, I don't remember if it was my mum or my dad with me, or whether it was (unusually) both, but one of them commented that I was 'tiny' so I'd need a small skirt. At which point, the middle-aged and slightly odd male shop assistant whipped out his tape measure, quickly slid it around my waist and announced to my parents that I wasn't as 'tiny' as they thought and I'd need a bigger skirt than they'd assumed (I do still, 26 years later, know what measurement that skirt was but for the sake of my own sanity I'd rather not publish it here!) I remember feeling fat and awkward and like I didn't even fit my parents' view of me. It compounded all of the worries I already had about my stomach from dance lessons. It made me feel fat. At that age. Pre-pubescent and overtly body-conscious.
Fast forward a year - I was still barely pubescent - and I was on holiday in Spain with my dad, his partner and their daughter (as well as my sisters) and I vividly remember feeling overtly body conscious all holiday. I wouldn't wear a bikini like other girls my age, and instead took my speedo swimsuits that buoyed my confidence as a 'strong swimmer' (the only sport I've ever been any good at) - even so, I was really aware of my tummy. I was really aware of the beginnings of my breasts (and they were just beginnings) and I was really aware that I was on the physical cusp of adulthood that I was in no way ready for. Towards the end of the holiday, I had a very mild tummy upset - nothing extreme in any way - but I remember it causing me to go 'off my food' and the perverse pride that I took in that. At twelve, I remember thinking how strong it made me not to eat. And so, like the child I was, I indulged it for the last days of the holiday.
It's only recently that I've thought ofthis as the beginning of the eating disorder journey that I've been on. 12. How is that even possible? But the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this is where it began. Not for one moment do I think that my eating disorder is solely about (or even fundamentally about) body image - because it's not. But it's a part of it that I have to acknowledge. Johanna always believed that my ED started younger than I gave it credit for, and it's only now that I feel able to acknowledge that. And, if I'm honest, the year following that holiday was the first of the worst as far as my eating disorder was concerned. A post for another time, but by the time I took my end of year exams in year 8 (aged 13 and a bit) I was deeply stuck in the disorder that has never left me since.
Ownership. It feels weird to write that down. That I'm 37 and this began 25 years ago. As an adult, I have always had a negative body image. I find it hard to like what I see in the mirror. Occasionally I can look back at a photo (our wedding photos, perhaps) where I can see the positives, but more often than not I can only see the negatives and I struggle to see why others see positives or comment upon. I've been through processes where I've tried to challenge this, but it's so ingrained it's hard to not slide back and there is no 'easy-fix' - I can accept that. But ownership. Maybe that's the first step towards 'dis-ownership'?
...
How do you take a step back from an inner critic that is so embedded and has been a part of you for so long? It's strange because recently I found a picture of me at the age of 7 on holiday - I think in Majorca. I had chosen (and bartered for) the dress I was wearing as I'd fallen in love with it at the market. I was desperate to wear it and I felt like a princess when I put it on. But. Despite this, when I look back to my childhood, I remember from a very young age being very aware of my body, so perhaps it shouldn't have come as such a surprise that it became my (negative) fixation.
Ballet at three; I remember being told to 'pull your tummy in' - and from that moment onwards, I remember thinking that sucking in your tummy was what was good. Working with children now, and having had some experience of supporting ballet lessons for young girls, I'm so determined to not perpetuate this mantra - even though I loved ballet, it became one of the things that I feared - being told off for letting my tummy pop out. And since then, I think I've had an absolute fear of having anything but an inverted stomach (maybe that will give you a little insight into how challenging I found pregnancy.) Imagine; If I was three and I remember that, my number one fear is that, at three, India picks up on that. At the moment she is so confident in her own body - so comfortable and at one with herself. And I want that to last a lifetime.
I was always described as petite and even 'skinny' - I was always one of the smallest in my class throughout primary school, and when I got to secondary school by the time I was in sixth form I think I was the shortest girl in the year (I am 5'3" but I grew up in a place where the average height seemed to be somewhere between 5'6" and 5'8"!) - and I think that label had stuck to me in a really negative way from a very young age. I think I knew that I was never going to be tall, and so I took a strange pride in being the 'littlest'. But there are some challenges to this that I still remember as if they were yesterday: Like going to get my secondary school sports uniform from the school uniform shop in town. I think most of my uniform had come from Marks and Spencer or BHS, but the uniform shop was the only place that did the PE kit. I vividly remember standing in the middle of the shop floor with a range of grey PE skirts picked up and trying to work out which one I needed. Interestingly, I don't remember if it was my mum or my dad with me, or whether it was (unusually) both, but one of them commented that I was 'tiny' so I'd need a small skirt. At which point, the middle-aged and slightly odd male shop assistant whipped out his tape measure, quickly slid it around my waist and announced to my parents that I wasn't as 'tiny' as they thought and I'd need a bigger skirt than they'd assumed (I do still, 26 years later, know what measurement that skirt was but for the sake of my own sanity I'd rather not publish it here!) I remember feeling fat and awkward and like I didn't even fit my parents' view of me. It compounded all of the worries I already had about my stomach from dance lessons. It made me feel fat. At that age. Pre-pubescent and overtly body-conscious.
Fast forward a year - I was still barely pubescent - and I was on holiday in Spain with my dad, his partner and their daughter (as well as my sisters) and I vividly remember feeling overtly body conscious all holiday. I wouldn't wear a bikini like other girls my age, and instead took my speedo swimsuits that buoyed my confidence as a 'strong swimmer' (the only sport I've ever been any good at) - even so, I was really aware of my tummy. I was really aware of the beginnings of my breasts (and they were just beginnings) and I was really aware that I was on the physical cusp of adulthood that I was in no way ready for. Towards the end of the holiday, I had a very mild tummy upset - nothing extreme in any way - but I remember it causing me to go 'off my food' and the perverse pride that I took in that. At twelve, I remember thinking how strong it made me not to eat. And so, like the child I was, I indulged it for the last days of the holiday.
It's only recently that I've thought ofthis as the beginning of the eating disorder journey that I've been on. 12. How is that even possible? But the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this is where it began. Not for one moment do I think that my eating disorder is solely about (or even fundamentally about) body image - because it's not. But it's a part of it that I have to acknowledge. Johanna always believed that my ED started younger than I gave it credit for, and it's only now that I feel able to acknowledge that. And, if I'm honest, the year following that holiday was the first of the worst as far as my eating disorder was concerned. A post for another time, but by the time I took my end of year exams in year 8 (aged 13 and a bit) I was deeply stuck in the disorder that has never left me since.
Ownership. It feels weird to write that down. That I'm 37 and this began 25 years ago. As an adult, I have always had a negative body image. I find it hard to like what I see in the mirror. Occasionally I can look back at a photo (our wedding photos, perhaps) where I can see the positives, but more often than not I can only see the negatives and I struggle to see why others see positives or comment upon. I've been through processes where I've tried to challenge this, but it's so ingrained it's hard to not slide back and there is no 'easy-fix' - I can accept that. But ownership. Maybe that's the first step towards 'dis-ownership'?
...
Why did I write that?
Because today I couldn't rest with my own sense of me. I felt uncomfortable and lumpy all day. I couldn't look at myself and I couldn't breathe out without fearing I looked like a lump. I spent all day avoiding my reflection. I felt huge. My dress clung to me in the wrong places. I caught sight of myself and I wanted to cry.
But I can't say these things aloud because of what I've been through and what they could mean about where I am. It is ok to have body image issues if you are a regular woman, but as someone with a long standing history of anorexia, talking about body image instills the fear of God into your friends and family. Where does it go? What does it mean that you feel like this? Is this just *another* downward spiral?
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