Birdy: Can I be, Was I there?

Lots of people have told me that I need to write. That I'm a good writer and that I should write. My response every time is 'maybe', or I'll explain that I've written, but various circumstances have meant that I've had to withdraw what I've written, which has made me feel like I shouldn't be sharing what I write. And then I read back what I've literally just written and I count the number of times I've used the word 'write' and I wonder, well I wonder should I write at all anymore?

But that brings me to the point of this post. I think I've come to the quiet conclusion that I *need* to write, like so many people have suggested. So much has happened in the last 9 years. Heck, in the last 24 years (and more) that I finally feel like I've reached the point where I need to write it down - to process life for myself rather than relying on someone else to help me process it. Johanna (more on her another time) always believed I would write my story, and it may be some years since I last spoke to her, but those words have always been whispering to me in the back of my head and it finally feels like the right time to do something about that. 

On Wednesday I drove up to see my friend Donna in Sheffield. A totally normal event - she was my best friend from sixth form and she's been there for me through thick and thin, so it's always lovely to see her. But something happened on this visit. And the same thing happened the last time I went to see her. And the time before that. And before that. In fact, I think every time I've been to see her since 2012 when she first moved to Sheffield. And me. Well, I was in Sheffield for 6 months around about the same time. Something happened on the journey there. Something made me put the original Birdy album on in the car. It's an album I love by an artist I love, but it is inextricably linked with Sheffield for me; inextricably linked with the time that I spent there. Playing the album on the journey through Chesterfield and on the road up to Sheffield transported me back in time 7 years. Can I be, Was I there? Felt so crystal in the air - The perfect lyrics for how I feel each time I make this journey, and perhaps this is why I feel the need to listen to this album each time I return. 

Because, May 2012 marks the point in my life where I wondered if I'd ever be more broken, Birdy's words from the same song: I find shelter in this way were resonating so loudly in my ears and I was so stuck deeply in an eating disorder that I'd struggled with to a greater or lesser degree through my whole adolescent and adult life. But this point was probably the lowest of the low points. I was scared and stuck but hopeful for a magical cure. And Birdy's words spoke so loudly to me as I began on that journey Maybe I have said something that was wrong/can I make it better with the lights turned on. And, with the lights turned on, with so much help from Riverdale in moving forwards, those 6 months that I spent in Sheffield marked some of the biggest changes. Not indelible changes, but changes none the less. And to this day, those who helped me whilst I was in Riverdale will forever remain in my gratitude (Sameena, Sam, amongst others), regardless of how difficult those relationships could be at times. They perhaps don't know it, but I know that however difficult that 6 months was, it's had a lasting positive impact on the rest of my life. 

So, when I visit Donna, who knows me better than most: to the city that saw me bare all, I can't help but reflect. And it's this reflection that has made me see that it's possibly essential that I process this all by writing about it. And in some ways it doesn't matter who reads it, although I'd like the people who know me to read it (well, I would and I wouldn't at the same time) I feel like it's the one thing that was prescribed to me by Johanna that I never really followed through. So. Here it is. My story. For me foremost, but for anyone else who might find it useful to know what life with an enduring eating disorder can be like and the hopefulness that can be harnessed in the right circumstances. To Riverdale, Johanna and Donna I will be forever grateful. They have helped me to get to this point, here today, where I finally feel like I can write about it without judgment (from myself or anyone else.) It won't be perfect. But nor am I.